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30 Clubs in 30 Songs

by Ed Klingenberger

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1.
Arizona 01:36
Snakes in the desert Snakes in the ballpark Snakes on the diamond Snakes in the outfield And they've all learned how to throw So be careful at the plate They hang out in the right field pool Steal your base and eat your dog Snakes in the dugout Snakes in the clubhouse And these guys can handle the heat Too bad those things can't hit Snakes can't hit
2.
Atlanta 01:58
It could look down on us But just stares into space Perched up above the stands It seems so out of place Shameless promotion Billboard bovine Above the commotion It does the chop It holds a sign Its right arm moves What does this mean? What is the point? Why is it there? With each movement Of its right arm That thing dooms us Passing judgment on us all
3.
Baltimore 01:41
We were great once but those days are over And the big cats have all passed us by Now we're toiling in this stacked division And we're fighting for some recognition Pay attention, we deserve the spotlight We had this first but no one pays their respect They don't listen to a word we're saying Well we got one little thing to say Our retro ballpark was first (you can't have it) Our retro ballpark was first (pay attention to us) Our retro ballpark was first (you can't have it) Our retro ballpark was first (we were first) So what happened to our kick-ass team here We keep losing and the locals hate us Now our games draw more opposing fans Well we got one little thing to say
4.
Boston 02:01
This place is old and rickety and that's how we like it So we're not moving any time soon The big ol' monolith beckons and it resembles Our rightful place in baseball discussion And we're right where we want (Fear the Monster, respect the Nation) We're not like New York, we're different (Fear the Monster, respect the Nation) Like it or not, we're still here (Fear the Monster, respect the Nation) We've taken over this scene (Fear the Monster, respect the Nation) But what does "insufferable" mean? (Fear the Monster, respect the Nation)
5.
Well it's another gorgeous day out at the diamond So glad that we skipped work this afternoon again Steeped in tradition we don't wanna talk about Laugh all you want, call us cursed, but we will always believe in... Next year There's always next year There's always next year There's always next year Lost in the ivy and there goes another ball The pitcher's rattled and our confidence is shot We love this team but we still need some new ideas If we think of rethinking the way we think, we can think outside the box There's always next year
6.
(Come down) to the South side It's even on the same train as the other guys (Come down) to the ballpark It's nice and cozy and we don't let the pitchers hit (Come down) it's a good time We shoot fireworks when our guys leave the yard (Fireworks) lots of fireworks That's the only way we can score some runs And that crazy manager goes insane (Ask for time, pinch hit, change pitchers, get tossed) And that crazy manager goes insane (Call a bunt or a pick-off, throw his hat, chew gum) (What's wrong) you still hate us? At least we don't play in those dumb shorts anymore (Hang out) we're cool, we swear You don't have to hear those broadcasters in here (Come down) to the ballpark Lots of amenities and fun things for the kids (Fireworks) lots of fireworks And there's baseball involves here somehow, I think And that crazy manager goes insane (Ask for time, pinch hit, change pitchers, get tossed) And that crazy manager goes insane (At least the 44th President likes us)
7.
Cincinnati 01:44
A long time ago in the 1970s There was The Machine It emerged from the depths of the Ohio River And took over the scene It traveled from town to town Killing every ball it saw No one stood a chance against its might And fans watched the slaughter with awe The Commissioner had to tame the beast A thousand free agents took the job Though it may be dead and gone In the eyes of every overworked pitcher The Machine lives on The Machine lives on
8.
Cleveland 01:49
Gather 'round, kids - it's story time Let me tell you 'bout a man so brave and bold You need sunglasses to behold (It's The Chief) The Cuyahoga was his fireplace And he kicked Chuck Norris in the face (It's the Chief) The Chief so strong and free He drank from Lake Erie and he ate the yellow snow He staves off the British with a cold hard glare And he wills the grass to grow It's The Chief So he set a team in his homeland He can crush all opponents with his left hand (It's The Chief) Well he started and ended ol' 1812 And he build The Jake all by himself (It's the Chief) The Chief is known so well His ballclub wins as he refuses to lose He set up a network to connect and inform So we all can spread the news of The Chief
9.
Colorado 01:47
Good baseball Lousy beer In the mountains Watch it fly Good baseball Lousy beer Mile high air Say goodbye
10.
Detroit 01:39
You can find it just outside the entrance It's big and scary as all hell But you'll be fine - it's only a statue And it will treat you very well So take a picture with the beast (Party in the park, party in the park) And grab a beer and take your seat (Party in the park, party in the park) Go on and high-five the statue (Party in the park, party in the park) He'd party in the park with you (Party in the park, party in the park) Don't be alarmed by the giant thingy It won't do you any harm Though it looks mean, it won't try to eat you Go on ahead - stick out your arm
11.
Florida 01:59
Good young team Plugs away Fire sale Cheap ones stay Cavernous center field Will that survive the move? Need to go outside - why not give us a try Come to the ballpark - get a row to yourself And now it's raining - but that won't last too long So stick around here - we get so lonely sometimes
12.
Houston 01:46
Down by the station Things aren't so good It's not working like it should (Where are we) We're getting stale (Where'd we go) Ran in place (What went wrong) Same old blueprint (Moved too slow) Egg in the face (Out of sight) Now the game has (Passed us by) Behind the ball (Lost in time) We've gotten nowhere and Moving backwards again We've had some good times Not long ago But now it seems so far away
13.
Kansas City 01:58
I don't know what happened But we're languishing now Ten miles under and sinking fast We've been down on our luck But we're showing promise All these bad vibes, they sure can't last And we're hopeful for the future (watch out - we are here) Thinking back on what we had (watch out - we are here) Look for us out by the fountains (watch out - we are here) We can't always be this bad (watch out - we are here) Can the boss again Maybe that'll work now Ten miles under and sinking fast And we've seen the blueprint Right in our division All these bad vibes, they sure can't last Pay attention to us We mean what we say Pay attention to us Get out of our way - we mean it, please
14.
Even though they poached a team to get their ballgame stuff Back in the day some dude declared that one was not enough They decreed that this new team would get the extra guy That new guy don't need a mitt - just hit the ball real high Where are we Where we are Represent Anaheim? Sure Well we've been here a long time now - we even won it all But nobody gives us credit like they want us to fall I think there's an east coast bias bringing our cred down Maybe it's the rally monkey - look, we apologized for that already Changing locations And we didn't even move
15.
It's time to go - we have our tickets We've got sunscreen and the top down I don't know why we'd take a scorebook When we get there it's the third inning Such is life out on the freeway But we like it so this is how we'll stay Feeling blue So good It's time to go - it's getting late here We've got bed time - work in the morning I don't want to get stuck in traffic Crank the radio - there's an inning left
16.
Milwaukee 01:50
Meat byproducts, approach the starting line Take your places, watch out for Randall Simon Feast your eyes on the greatest spectacle Imitated but never duplicated Here we go now - it's time for racing dinner On your marks, get set, GO Sausage on the run And they're off! Racing against each other Place your bets now - my money's on the hot dog Down the stretch they come - it's another close one Photo finish - hey! That guy cheated! Race is over - the bratwurst won this time But come on, now - we're all wieners here Run, sausage, run
17.
Minnesota 02:01
Jerk! My jewelry! Moldy jambalaya More jokes made Joe mourn Justice means jail, man - jail Midnight's jonesing - moon juice madness June's marching, joker's moribund Just my jersey's might Justifiably morose? Join me - July's mine Jock? Moron. Justifies my jocularity Mango jelly melting Jamaica, man Juicy mud just moistens jeans Methodology: Juvenile
18.
So here we go again Another season of this What new and exciting fashion Will they lose today's game We're setting ourselves up Just to get knocked down again I love these guys I hate these guys Guess I can't turn away We don't care We'll still be here Maybe they won't Let us down this year We're getting used to this And sick of it all at once If this happens just one more time I might just lose my mind Why do I care this much It's just a stupid ballgame But those stupid rivals need to Shut up for once tonight So here we are again Another season of this I love these guys I hate these guys Guess I still need my fix
19.
Good evening, hapless peons And how are you all tonight Well let's get down to brass tacks It's time for you to die We know that you all hate us We know you love it that way This is how you prefer things No matter what you say This is our home our ballpark and we don't play nice You claim that life would be better if we change our ways But our sold-out ballpark says that we will stay the same You get here on the Number Four that always reeks of urine We take all your favorite players, get your blood a-stirrin' with HATE Give in to your hatred Give in to bloodlust You will be assimilated now Become a part of us tonight
20.
Oakland 01:46
I got called up today - I'm hitting the big time Though no one will see me, it's still my turn to shine We'll play in a cavern of a stadium And if I prove my worth I'll find another place to go I found my new home turf - it's bigger than I thought The pitchers like it here, the hitters are distraught I got on board today in spite of this big place I'll get to keep that ball and stick it in its face We'll play in a cavern of a stadium But I will prove my worth and find another place to go
21.
Philadelphia 01:57
What are all these kids doing on the street If they touch my grass they'll all be dead meat I don't have a gun but I have a brain I'll hit them in the head, they won't be back again (Get off my lawn) if you know what's good for you (Get off my lawn) if you don't then you're all screwed (Get off my lawn) because you're ugly And I never wanna see your face again What are all these teams doing on my field They seem to be practicing - they don't seem to yield I don't care if they're on the schedule I don't know who they are and I'll destroy them all We're gonna beat up any stupid ugly punk that crosses us And send 'em all back to their crappy homes where they belong And then we're gonna go to Pittsburgh and we'll beat them to a pulp 'Cause that's just the way we are My cohorts and I got this going on I'm sitting on my porch as I sing this song All those stupid punks, they must hate my guts But as long as I'm here I'll always drive them nuts ...and you're ugly
22.
Pittsburgh 01:56
Yaargh! We be buccaneers sailin' 'round the bigs Me and me mateys we be plunderin yer town We scour the minor leagues searchin for buried treasure When we do we take it all and kill ya for good measure Plunder the seas, hit the cut-off man Lot and pillage, hit and run Walk the plank and lay the bunt down Take the gold, execute the fundamentals All the landlubbers won't know what hit 'em And the scallywags all tremble with fear Plunder the seas, hit the cut-off man Loot and pillage, double steal Walk the plank, execute the fundamentals Raise the jolly roger
23.
San Diego 01:48
Picture perfect pitching, like machines Sends a ball right out to me And I turn into a big jerkface 'Cause I must obtain that thing Everyone loves to get free stuff The appeal is easy to see Everybody wants a free ball So why can't this one belong to me Well I reached out and I got the ball No one told me it was fair... I'm sorry! Give it to me
24.
Throw the ball right at the man Because we're number one Yeah we know he'll charge the mound Then we'll have some fun Throw it at their head Throw it at their ribs Throw it at their feet Keep them guessing We're gonna take you down And make you feel like hell We're gonna use our arms 'Cause we can't hit too well Throw the ball right in the zone They won't know what to do Throw the ball no one can hit And they all know it too Throw it in the zone Throw it in the dirt Throw it letter-high Keep them angry Believe the mighty glove Believe the mighty truth (it's so true) Believe the mighty glove And I bet you can believe it too Oh yeah
25.
Seattle 01:58
He's running 'Cause he's got a lot of ground to cover here He's diving 'Cause the thing is just a little out of reach He's like a vacuum He gets everything That's why they call him Death to Flying Things He's catching Every single little thing we send his way He's jumping Even things out of the park are still in play
26.
St. Louis 01:41
It started with a tiny half-smile 'Til a close call did not go your way But this is just one of a hundred And tomorrow we'll all be OK So what's with the face - the angry face The Angry Manager Face You're always in the pennant race There's no need for the angry face Angry Manager Face
27.
Tampa Bay 01:54
Welcome to the Thunderdome It's judgment day Though no one sits in the stands They'll have their say The chaos fans have spoken It's punishment time Your sentence - death by cowbell Now suffer in this grime The catwalk interferes Displacing all our jeers The catwalk interferes While all the purists sneer at us Sunday Sunday Sunday The gang's all here We're gonna tear some stuff up And you will cheer Now suffer in this grime
28.
Texas 02:00
In the past we had a bad reputation Of underspending on arms That was then and things are much different now And that set off alarms Guess what? We're back! And we've got power to spare You've got no chance and we're not gonna share Sit down and boil in the southern heat You'll all get fried right into your seat Behold the new power (we're not messin' around) What's the matter? Now you look a little pale Perhaps you need to lie down Just relax and we will entertain you And put your team underground Time to face facts - we're not your doormat no more This time we will beat you into next week
29.
Toronto 01:59
To the SkyDome It's a ballpark It's a bandbox It's a warehouse It's all of these Open up the SkyDome of your dreams Of your dreams
30.
Washington 01:54
Well we moved into America When we lost our grip on Canadian soil But it isn't going very well Then we got our future opposition foil Merry Strasmas (Merry Strasmas) Merry Strasmas (Merry Strasmas) Merry Strasmas (Merry Strasmas) Merry Strasmas (Amen) When we lost 100 games again After moving into our brand new park That was when we knew we needed him And he proved that he was worth all of the hype Now we have our future starting ace And next year looks so promising, that's for sure Fans are starting to fill up the place And not just nights when Philadelphia's in town Tommy John?! Nooooooo
31.
Ballgame 00:56
Oh, come on - you don't need the lyrics to this track.

about

This was my Spring/Summer 2010 musical project - one song per MLB team, written and recorded as the season wore on - remixed and remastered. Consider this, perhaps, The Ultimate Guide To Baseball For Sarcastic Persons.

Details on the project itself and on the individual tracks can be found here: edmakesthings.wordpress.com/30-clubs-in-30-songs/

credits

released March 3, 2011

Ed Klingenberger - everything (except where noted)

Recorded at home (except where noted) April-August 2010

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Ed Klingenberger Rochester, New York

Singer-songwriter-instrumentalist with a penchant for the absurd.

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