30 Clubs in 30 Songs

by Ed Klingenberger

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This was my Spring/Summer 2010 musical project - one song per MLB team, written and recorded as the season wore on - remixed and remastered. Consider this, perhaps, The Ultimate Guide To Baseball For Sarcastic Persons.

Details on the project itself and on the individual tracks can be found here: edmakesthings.wordpress.com/30-clubs-in-30-songs/


released March 3, 2011

Ed Klingenberger - everything (except where noted)

Recorded at home (except where noted) April-August 2010




Ed Klingenberger Rochester, New York

Singer-songwriter-instrumentalist with a penchant for the absurd.

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Track Name: Arizona
Snakes in the desert
Snakes in the ballpark
Snakes on the diamond
Snakes in the outfield

And they've all learned how to throw
So be careful at the plate
They hang out in the right field pool
Steal your base and eat your dog

Snakes in the dugout
Snakes in the clubhouse

And these guys can handle the heat
Too bad those things can't hit
Snakes can't hit
Track Name: Atlanta
It could look down on us
But just stares into space
Perched up above the stands
It seems so out of place

Shameless promotion
Billboard bovine
Above the commotion
It does the chop

It holds a sign
Its right arm moves
What does this mean?
What is the point? Why is it there?

With each movement
Of its right arm
That thing dooms us
Passing judgment on us all
Track Name: Baltimore
We were great once but those days are over
And the big cats have all passed us by
Now we're toiling in this stacked division
And we're fighting for some recognition

Pay attention, we deserve the spotlight
We had this first but no one pays their respect
They don't listen to a word we're saying
Well we got one little thing to say

Our retro ballpark was first (you can't have it)
Our retro ballpark was first (pay attention to us)
Our retro ballpark was first (you can't have it)
Our retro ballpark was first (we were first)

So what happened to our kick-ass team here
We keep losing and the locals hate us
Now our games draw more opposing fans
Well we got one little thing to say
Track Name: Boston
This place is old and rickety and that's how we like it
So we're not moving any time soon
The big ol' monolith beckons and it resembles
Our rightful place in baseball discussion

And we're right where we want
(Fear the Monster, respect the Nation)
We're not like New York, we're different
(Fear the Monster, respect the Nation)

Like it or not, we're still here
(Fear the Monster, respect the Nation)
We've taken over this scene
(Fear the Monster, respect the Nation)
But what does "insufferable" mean?
(Fear the Monster, respect the Nation)
Track Name: Chicago, Part 1: NorthSide
Well it's another gorgeous day out at the diamond
So glad that we skipped work this afternoon again
Steeped in tradition we don't wanna talk about
Laugh all you want, call us cursed, but we will always believe in...

Next year
There's always next year
There's always next year
There's always next year

Lost in the ivy and there goes another ball
The pitcher's rattled and our confidence is shot
We love this team but we still need some new ideas
If we think of rethinking the way we think, we can think outside the box

There's always next year
Track Name: Chicago, Part 2: SouthSide
(Come down) to the South side
It's even on the same train as the other guys
(Come down) to the ballpark
It's nice and cozy and we don't let the pitchers hit
(Come down) it's a good time
We shoot fireworks when our guys leave the yard
(Fireworks) lots of fireworks
That's the only way we can score some runs

And that crazy manager goes insane
(Ask for time, pinch hit, change pitchers, get tossed)
And that crazy manager goes insane
(Call a bunt or a pick-off, throw his hat, chew gum)

(What's wrong) you still hate us?
At least we don't play in those dumb shorts anymore
(Hang out) we're cool, we swear
You don't have to hear those broadcasters in here
(Come down) to the ballpark
Lots of amenities and fun things for the kids
(Fireworks) lots of fireworks
And there's baseball involves here somehow, I think

And that crazy manager goes insane
(Ask for time, pinch hit, change pitchers, get tossed)
And that crazy manager goes insane
(At least the 44th President likes us)
Track Name: Cincinnati
A long time ago in the 1970s
There was The Machine
It emerged from the depths of the Ohio River
And took over the scene

It traveled from town to town
Killing every ball it saw
No one stood a chance against its might
And fans watched the slaughter with awe
The Commissioner had to tame the beast
A thousand free agents took the job
Though it may be dead and gone
In the eyes of every overworked pitcher
The Machine lives on

The Machine lives on
Track Name: Cleveland
Gather 'round, kids - it's story time

Let me tell you 'bout a man so brave and bold
You need sunglasses to behold (It's The Chief)
The Cuyahoga was his fireplace
And he kicked Chuck Norris in the face (It's the Chief)

The Chief so strong and free
He drank from Lake Erie and he ate the yellow snow
He staves off the British with a cold hard glare
And he wills the grass to grow
It's The Chief

So he set a team in his homeland
He can crush all opponents with his left hand (It's The Chief)
Well he started and ended ol' 1812
And he build The Jake all by himself (It's the Chief)

The Chief is known so well
His ballclub wins as he refuses to lose
He set up a network to connect and inform
So we all can spread the news
of The Chief
Track Name: Colorado
Good baseball
Lousy beer
In the mountains
Watch it fly

Good baseball
Lousy beer
Mile high air
Say goodbye
Track Name: Detroit
You can find it just outside the entrance
It's big and scary as all hell
But you'll be fine - it's only a statue
And it will treat you very well

So take a picture with the beast
(Party in the park, party in the park)
And grab a beer and take your seat
(Party in the park, party in the park)
Go on and high-five the statue
(Party in the park, party in the park)
He'd party in the park with you
(Party in the park, party in the park)

Don't be alarmed by the giant thingy
It won't do you any harm
Though it looks mean, it won't try to eat you
Go on ahead - stick out your arm
Track Name: Florida
Good young team
Plugs away
Fire sale
Cheap ones stay

Cavernous center field
Will that survive the move?

Need to go outside - why not give us a try
Come to the ballpark - get a row to yourself
And now it's raining - but that won't last too long
So stick around here - we get so lonely sometimes
Track Name: Houston
Down by the station
Things aren't so good
It's not working like it should

(Where are we) We're getting stale
(Where'd we go) Ran in place
(What went wrong) Same old blueprint
(Moved too slow) Egg in the face

(Out of sight) Now the game has
(Passed us by) Behind the ball
(Lost in time) We've gotten nowhere and
Moving backwards again

We've had some good times
Not long ago
But now it seems so far away
Track Name: Kansas City
I don't know what happened
But we're languishing now
Ten miles under and sinking fast

We've been down on our luck
But we're showing promise
All these bad vibes, they sure can't last

And we're hopeful for the future
(watch out - we are here)
Thinking back on what we had
(watch out - we are here)
Look for us out by the fountains
(watch out - we are here)
We can't always be this bad
(watch out - we are here)

Can the boss again
Maybe that'll work now
Ten miles under and sinking fast

And we've seen the blueprint
Right in our division
All these bad vibes, they sure can't last

Pay attention to us
We mean what we say
Pay attention to us
Get out of our way - we mean it, please
Track Name: Los Angeles, Part 1: Anaheim
Even though they poached a team to get their ballgame stuff
Back in the day some dude declared that one was not enough
They decreed that this new team would get the extra guy
That new guy don't need a mitt - just hit the ball real high

Where are we
Where we are
Anaheim? Sure

Well we've been here a long time now - we even won it all
But nobody gives us credit like they want us to fall
I think there's an east coast bias bringing our cred down
Maybe it's the rally monkey - look, we apologized for that already

Changing locations
And we didn't even move
Track Name: Los Angeles, Part 2: Blue
It's time to go - we have our tickets
We've got sunscreen and the top down
I don't know why we'd take a scorebook
When we get there it's the third inning

Such is life out on the freeway
But we like it so this is how we'll stay

Feeling blue
So good

It's time to go - it's getting late here
We've got bed time - work in the morning
I don't want to get stuck in traffic
Crank the radio - there's an inning left
Track Name: Milwaukee
Meat byproducts, approach the starting line
Take your places, watch out for Randall Simon

Feast your eyes on the greatest spectacle
Imitated but never duplicated
Here we go now - it's time for racing dinner
On your marks, get set, GO

Sausage on the run

And they're off! Racing against each other
Place your bets now - my money's on the hot dog

Down the stretch they come - it's another close one
Photo finish - hey! That guy cheated!
Race is over - the bratwurst won this time
But come on, now - we're all wieners here

Run, sausage, run
Track Name: Minnesota
Jerk! My jewelry! Moldy jambalaya
More jokes made Joe mourn
Justice means jail, man - jail
Midnight's jonesing - moon juice madness

June's marching, joker's moribund
Just my jersey's might
Justifiably morose?
Join me - July's mine

Jock? Moron. Justifies my jocularity
Mango jelly melting Jamaica, man
Juicy mud just moistens jeans
Methodology: Juvenile
Track Name: New York, Part 1: Amazing
So here we go again
Another season of this
What new and exciting fashion
Will they lose today's game

We're setting ourselves up
Just to get knocked down again
I love these guys I hate these guys
Guess I can't turn away

We don't care
We'll still be here
Maybe they won't
Let us down this year

We're getting used to this
And sick of it all at once
If this happens just one more time
I might just lose my mind

Why do I care this much
It's just a stupid ballgame
But those stupid rivals need to
Shut up for once tonight

So here we are again
Another season of this
I love these guys I hate these guys
Guess I still need my fix
Track Name: New York, Part 2: Empire
Good evening, hapless peons
And how are you all tonight
Well let's get down to brass tacks
It's time for you to die

We know that you all hate us
We know you love it that way
This is how you prefer things
No matter what you say

This is our home our ballpark and we don't play nice

You claim that life would be better if we change our ways
But our sold-out ballpark says that we will stay the same
You get here on the Number Four that always reeks of urine
We take all your favorite players, get your blood a-stirrin' with

Give in to your hatred
Give in to bloodlust
You will be assimilated now

Become a part of us tonight
Track Name: Oakland
I got called up today - I'm hitting the big time
Though no one will see me, it's still my turn to shine

We'll play in a cavern of a stadium
And if I prove my worth I'll find another place to go

I found my new home turf - it's bigger than I thought
The pitchers like it here, the hitters are distraught

I got on board today in spite of this big place
I'll get to keep that ball and stick it in its face

We'll play in a cavern of a stadium
But I will prove my worth and find another place to go
Track Name: Philadelphia
What are all these kids doing on the street
If they touch my grass they'll all be dead meat
I don't have a gun but I have a brain
I'll hit them in the head, they won't be back again

(Get off my lawn) if you know what's good for you
(Get off my lawn) if you don't then you're all screwed
(Get off my lawn) because you're ugly
And I never wanna see your face again

What are all these teams doing on my field
They seem to be practicing - they don't seem to yield
I don't care if they're on the schedule
I don't know who they are and I'll destroy them all

We're gonna beat up any stupid ugly punk that crosses us
And send 'em all back to their crappy homes where they belong
And then we're gonna go to Pittsburgh and we'll beat them to a pulp
'Cause that's just the way we are

My cohorts and I got this going on
I'm sitting on my porch as I sing this song
All those stupid punks, they must hate my guts
But as long as I'm here I'll always drive them nuts

...and you're ugly
Track Name: Pittsburgh
Yaargh! We be buccaneers sailin' 'round the bigs
Me and me mateys we be plunderin yer town

We scour the minor leagues searchin for buried treasure
When we do we take it all and kill ya for good measure

Plunder the seas, hit the cut-off man
Lot and pillage, hit and run
Walk the plank and lay the bunt down
Take the gold, execute the fundamentals

All the landlubbers won't know what hit 'em
And the scallywags all tremble with fear

Plunder the seas, hit the cut-off man
Loot and pillage, double steal
Walk the plank, execute the fundamentals
Raise the jolly roger
Track Name: San Diego
Picture perfect pitching, like machines
Sends a ball right out to me
And I turn into a big jerkface
'Cause I must obtain that thing

Everyone loves to get free stuff
The appeal is easy to see
Everybody wants a free ball
So why can't this one belong to me

Well I reached out and I got the ball
No one told me it was fair... I'm sorry!

Give it to me
Track Name: San Francisco
Throw the ball right at the man
Because we're number one
Yeah we know he'll charge the mound
Then we'll have some fun

Throw it at their head
Throw it at their ribs
Throw it at their feet
Keep them guessing

We're gonna take you down
And make you feel like hell
We're gonna use our arms
'Cause we can't hit too well

Throw the ball right in the zone
They won't know what to do
Throw the ball no one can hit
And they all know it too

Throw it in the zone
Throw it in the dirt
Throw it letter-high
Keep them angry

Believe the mighty glove
Believe the mighty truth (it's so true)
Believe the mighty glove
And I bet you can believe it too
Oh yeah
Track Name: Seattle
He's running
'Cause he's got a lot of ground to cover here
He's diving
'Cause the thing is just a little out of reach

He's like a vacuum
He gets everything
That's why they call him
Death to Flying Things

He's catching
Every single little thing we send his way
He's jumping
Even things out of the park are still in play
Track Name: St. Louis
It started with a tiny half-smile
'Til a close call did not go your way
But this is just one of a hundred
And tomorrow we'll all be OK

So what's with the face - the angry face
The Angry Manager Face
You're always in the pennant race
There's no need for the angry face

Angry Manager Face
Track Name: Tampa Bay
Welcome to the Thunderdome
It's judgment day
Though no one sits in the stands
They'll have their say

The chaos fans have spoken
It's punishment time
Your sentence - death by cowbell
Now suffer in this grime

The catwalk interferes
Displacing all our jeers
The catwalk interferes
While all the purists sneer at us

Sunday Sunday Sunday
The gang's all here
We're gonna tear some stuff up
And you will cheer

Now suffer in this grime
Track Name: Texas
In the past we had a bad reputation
Of underspending on arms
That was then and things are much different now
And that set off alarms

Guess what? We're back! And we've got power to spare
You've got no chance and we're not gonna share

Sit down and boil in the southern heat
You'll all get fried right into your seat

Behold the new power (we're not messin' around)

What's the matter? Now you look a little pale
Perhaps you need to lie down
Just relax and we will entertain you
And put your team underground

Time to face facts - we're not your doormat no more
This time we will beat you into next week
Track Name: Toronto
To the SkyDome

It's a ballpark
It's a bandbox
It's a warehouse
It's all of these

Open up the SkyDome of your dreams
Of your dreams
Track Name: Washington
Well we moved into America
When we lost our grip on Canadian soil
But it isn't going very well
Then we got our future opposition foil

Merry Strasmas (Merry Strasmas)
Merry Strasmas (Merry Strasmas)
Merry Strasmas (Merry Strasmas)
Merry Strasmas (Amen)

When we lost 100 games again
After moving into our brand new park
That was when we knew we needed him
And he proved that he was worth all of the hype

Now we have our future starting ace
And next year looks so promising, that's for sure
Fans are starting to fill up the place
And not just nights when Philadelphia's in town

Tommy John?! Nooooooo
Track Name: Ballgame
Oh, come on - you don't need the lyrics to this track.